Tiziano International

September 28th 2005

This chapter opens on board of an aircraft that’s carrying me to Frankfurt: a short work commitment and then a flight to Edinburgh, where I will continue my exploration of Great Britain, to understand where I could live, other than in London. I’m tense, I’ve started a period of abstinence from carbohydrates - one of my usual food quickies.

I found out that EMI’s office in Rome is about to close and this has instilled in me an infinite melancholy. One thing is the disdain for the job insecurity that the people who work there will be forced to deal with. Other than that, I’ve shed a tear. Perhaps more than one.

So many memories associated with those offices.

The first promotional single, Xdono, following its ascent on the charts, the expectations before the first TV programs, the tramezzini of Viale Mazzini, the cappuccinos, the route from my home to Viale Angelico in the car, driving like the Romans do, the nervousness before going to the Vatican, the smell of the bakery with fresh donuts, the chatter, the smiles, the pampering of a singer younger than the company. It’s all over.

What’s going on? Wasn’t the apocalypse supposed to happen in 2012? In my existence it seems to be coming right now.

I met with Cinzia to ask her to work with me, now that I’ve returned to Europe I need someone who lives here and who can help me keep things going.

I got acquainted with the doctor who will operate on me in Rome, he is a good arthroscopic specialist. He examined me and confirmed the urgent need for surgery. The thing that makes me most anxious is the rehabilitation, it looks like it will take at least three months.

I have extended my contract with EMI for another two albums, in exchange for greater freedom and better conditions. I managed to avoid the standard contracts that bind you for a long time, I preferred to let the large guaranteed sums for what they are, in favor of more peaceful nights of sleep… at least I hope so.

Even though I am trying to clear my mind, venting in this journal, I feel very tense. I should revive all of my relationships - friendships, those who feel offended, betrayed by my departure to Mexico - restore a bit of balance and routine… I feel like a prisoner who got bailed out too soon and who now isn’t able to reintegrate in the reality to which he belonged.

I hate all of this, and most of all I hate sleep, due to the time change that has done nothing but make things more complicated.

October 3rd 2005

Here we go again, to summarize my five days in Edinburgh.

It’s really when you least expect it that a place can leave a mark. The first day was sad and left me feeling uneasy. I walked around this city, so gothic and crepuscular, before arriving at the Castle, passing through ancient alleyways, tunnels, cemeteries, and suddenly finding myself faced with views of the city that left me breathless, but still with a feeling of rapture and despair.

All of this mysterious architecture again rocked my subconscious, moving my emotional balance back and forth, which had seemed to have settled down, at least for the moment. I definitely want to live in Great Britain, but not here in Scotland. I couldn’t handle this landscape every day. Not now that I’m going through this moment of subtle anger and profound denial towards myself.

England. That is the answer, the English cities will understand me. With their contradictions, their diversity, the music, that concreteness in their manners and conversations, the carelessness with which the British will tell you to fuck off, for the silliest reasons.

Last night I dreamed that I was kidnapped and sold as a slave on a market… but I found a way to escape. I’m still very stressed, I feel that this umpteenth change puts a strain on my subconscious.

October 8th 2005

One year ago I was in Cancun, today I go back to Mexico. Theoretically for the last time this year, provided that I can fix the bureaucratic issues related to the diploma.

Yesterday I was in a clinic in Rome with dad, I had the preliminary analysis for the surgery that is now set for November.

I’m already looking for a house between London and Manchester. A couple of agencies are helping me on my quest. I will start looking at the first apartments as soon as possible: no sooner said than done. I might even live between the two cities, dividing home and office, just to have a change of scenery and know two different realities.

The journey is going well, apart from the back of my seat being broken. It’s reclining on its own. Still three hours and thirty-eight minutes to go.

Marco and I talk to each other less and less. I’d say he is a victim of my sudden mood changes, so much anguish and perhaps even anger.

It is confirmed: Cinzia will start working with me.

I uploaded a lot of photos on my new iPod and I found some of my first trip to Switzerland. It seems like a thousand years have passed, so many things have changed… including my face!

It’s official: I lost my latest lyric notebook, or it was stolen from me, I don’t know! Luckily I have the lyrics for the new album already memorized. Such stress!

I was thinking that, once I’m home in Mexico, I’ll have to start deciding what to bring with me and what to leave there. By now many things have accumulated and I don’t want to complicate my life by moving them: I will take only the essentials with me, and the rest I will give away.

For the first time, I got tested for HIV. I don’t really know why, in fact there haven’t been any grand occasions where I could have been infected, but I think it was important to do it, considering the life I lead, always on the move, in different environments and countries. And it’s correct, as a person who lives consciously in the present, and who moves in a mindful manner in the world of 2005.

I’m negative, in the sense of seronegative.

I felt a little bit of anxiety when they were about to tell me the outcome, I think that’s normal. Together with the HIV test, since I was already there, I got tested for all other venereal diseases. It was strange to go through that moment alone, locked inside myself, with all these thoughts, and the people in the waiting room looking at you, wondering who you are and what you do, how you feel and why you’re there.

I will continue to undergo these tests regularly, it’s the right thing to do.

I wrote a new song, “out of my mind”, it’s called E Raffaella è mia. I will add it to the record, to temper the gloomy atmosphere that pervades the album, and because I want to poke fun at myself a bit, laugh and make other people laugh… as I usually do in real life. Even though no one imagines it.

January 15th 2008

The work on the album continues. I’m considering the possibility of doing some duets and, for one of the songs I’ve written that’s still missing lyrics, I got the crazy idea to offer it to Franco Battiato.

Who knows…

I’m stuck writing the lyrics to Indietro… I haven’t been able to write the verses, or determine the riffs very well. It needs some help, I don’t want to have to lose this song, I like it.

The new year has again begun with the usual problems of “eating too much or too little”. I’m stressed about keeping myself in check and I need to be careful. Strangely, I’ve been sleeping well lately, although I always feel tired. I’m not sure how to proceed, the first month of 2008 is disorienting me.

March 15th 2008

My brain is frying. I’m trying to write the lyrics to Indietro but apart from a few sentences, I’m not getting them out. I’m thinking of doing a version in English, but this would not relieve me of the responsibility of resolving the issue “Italian version”.

“Notizia è l’anagramma del mio nome”: that’s all I have.

Today I stop here, because the only news is that there’s no news, neither bad nor good. Fortunately, today there’s the final of the Six Nations, and even though Italy is in danger of collecting the wooden spoon, I’m distracted by the idea of watching the match and that consoles and relaxes me.

June 2nd 2008

My album is going well, we move forward. I found the courage to ask Ivano Fossati to help me with the words to Indietro. I am definitely stuck and I believe that a sensitive writer like him might be able to save my poor little song with his poetic soul.

Yesterday I let Gabriel listen to A mi edad… and he was moved. There’s no doubt that it will be my first single and, despite my fragility, when I think about presenting a new project with that song, I gain inner strength and any reticence disappears.

Saturday there will be a party to celebrate Nessuno è solo’s 100th week on the charts. All of my friends will come, the Spanish ones and the ones from Latina included, dressed for a festive battle, just the way I like it.

From today on I have to stop with the excess food… in view of the video and the photo shoot. Fortunately, I feel very determined.

June 24th 2008

Today’s title should be: Papaya, help me! Although I think even the amazing properties of this fruit couldn’t cheer me up after Italy’s defeat against Spain in the European Championship.

And so it’s done, we are out. This is why I’m tense. Despite everything, I hope that the papaya performs the miracle and I’m done with the first photos for Alla mia età. I hope the shoot went well and that there’s no need to take more pictures because they were two really intense days, we’ve done three hundred shots, maybe even more… I don’t know!

Fossati’s lyrics arrived to complete what I had already written for Indietro. As they say in English: brilliant!!! I can’t wait to sing the demo, and the idea to have collaborated with him fills me with joy, more than the papaya! Today, the veil of sadness that never leaves me has been ripped up by the pen of Fossati: thanks, Ivano!

June 13th 2009

Again on a flight home. Lately I travel too much, it’s weighing on me. I couldn’t take the direct flight with the low cost airline because apparently my luggage is too large, so I had to settle for a flight with a stopover in Monaco… this suitcase is really inconvenient.

I am happy because the new single, Indietro is already #1 for a few weeks, and I can’t help but think about everything that this song is linked to. How strange to see a little idea slowly take shape, to see it grow and go out on its own and meet other minds, and transform, and then even become a song that’s capable of going to #1.

And to think that Indietro was in danger of not even getting on this record, because it was incomplete. Instead it’s one of the most important songs on the album.

I want to sing, only to sing.

Fortunately, before long the tour starts again in Carrara and I feel a great need to enjoy the grueling heat of the summer while traveling from city to city.

May 2nd 2005

Going back to Italy after two months or so, too many developments during the last week.

I’m a bastard of the first category and I don’t want to forgive myself. Perhaps it’s the “emigrant” frustration that’s blowing up all the contradictions that I carry within, but anyway I feel like shit.

I wish I’d kept it hidden from Marco, but I couldn’t, I was assailed by the fear that all of this time away has compromised my relationship with him and my family… and I feel so fragile now. Couldn’t I have triggered the “emancipation” phase when I was traveling alone in Europe, years ago, instead of going thousands of miles away???!!!

I hope that the twenty days will be useful.

Meanwhile, I’ve already decided what the first step will be after I graduate: go to England. It has always been my dream and the search for suitable places to live will start soon in Newcastle.

I’m hungry. I wait.

I received the early tour schedule: it starts in Buenos Aires and we end in Puebla actually, how nice!

May 12th 2005

Gulliver’s Travels continue, even though sleep and jet lag are killing me. After years of dreaming about Great Britain, I’m about to discover this new world. I’m preparing for the next phase of my life, because by now I know it: I will come to live here!

May 23rd 2005

For the first time I’m going back to Mexico without really enjoying the idea of the journey. And this is a clear signal. I have too much studying to do and I’m tired, the Latin tour occupies most of my sleepless nights and by now I’m missing so few exams that I would like to graduate no later than September - a semester early, like a good nerd.

This notebook is reaching its end and with it also my life in Mexico, that will remain forever in my memories and in my heart. It was a crucial period.

Now I don’t want to give too much space to my existential paranoia about what I am and where I’m going, so I will write about my discographical unrest. EMI is urging to release the new album as soon as possible, which would then also be the last one under contract with them. The bosses in London would like to continue our working relationship and I’m finding myself in serious trouble, not knowing what I’m up against. Committing for another ten years of my life… right now I don’t feel like it.

I don’t care about earning tons, I’ve always lived without too much money and I’m fine the way I am. I’m convinced that, for people like me, the monetary satisfaction is in the order of “hundreds of thousands” and not “millions”, so for now I hang tough.

A while ago, on the plane, I felt sick and was about to faint: I’m sure that it’s all the stress that’s accumulating. I still remember what happened several years ago on the plane to Lisbon.

I don’t want to become frustrated and angry like other people my age, I want to build my life based on what makes me feel good, really, and other people’s points of reference don’t necessarily have to be mine.

Question of the century: do I want a relationship?

What bullshit.

December 7th 2001

L’Olimpiade has entered at #5 on the airplay chart, the album’s slowing down a bit and living in Rome is strange for someone accustomed to the small distances of the province… but I’m gaining confidence. Life by myself brings new ideas and inspiration, I’ve started thinking about concerts and I’m writing new songs. Today I finished a song that I will call Xverso. It’s a bit over the top but I like it, it has something provocative. I want to arrange it, there’s plenty of time.

I’m going to participate in the Christmas concert at the Vatican!!! Incredible!!! I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve all this, but I am overjoyed!

August 2nd 2003

I’m depressed because of how the relationships are developing between me and those who work with me. They refuse to give me even the slightest additional freedom than is stated in the contract and, as if that weren’t enough, to discourage and demotivate me they accuse me of having changed. It’s wrong and unfair.

But I understand the situation in front me, (un)fortunately. They use this technique to weaken a character of which they have no idea how much it is tempered: it is indestructible. By now they can’t make me feel insecure: there have been too many hours on flights and of lost sleep, too many battles with food in honor of the music and too many stifled tears. I’m investing everything, my entire life, in this work and it won’t be that easy for certain people to sow panic.

I could lose my money but not my integrity, my objectives are still very clear, I know the plans and I already see the light at the end of the tunnel. I told Michele that we have to always tell each other everything, especially if they could create controversy, even the tiniest: at least with him, I don’t want ambiguity.

The 31st we mastered the first single of the new album: Xverso. It’s the beginning of this new experience, there are many sensations that invade my heart. I want for joy to dominate them ALL. The video of the song will be shot in Cuba, we are already working on the choreography, it’s really SICK!!!