A few diary entries that I picked to go with the next song translation, but I think they’re so interesting that they need their own post. These are from 2005 when he started discovering his sexuality (or “giving a name to it”).
April 12th 2005
I come back from New York, I’m really DEAD tired, dead!
This time I liked the city a lot more, aided by the mild climate, the warmth of spring and the people I’ve met.
I visited everything and the metropolis has infused me with the lightness that I needed.
Last night I went to see Carmen Consoli who played in a club, she was excellent, really nothing more to say.
Beautiful weather, beautiful people, every night a lot of small talk with New Yorkers and, frankly, also a lot of beer.
I’d say that, thanks to the alcohol, I made my first official approach in a bar, in the light of day (ME!!!?), but I’m scared to write about it, I wouldn’t want this journal to end up in the wrong hands.
I don’t know what to do.
I was seized by the situation, I went, was tipsy, hello.
I don’t have to justify anything. Not here.
I officially started working on the new album. I already have a dozen songs or so and with Michele [Canova] we rented a little studio in Manhattan where we produced the first demo. The recordings didn’t go very well, but I’m sure that there are very important ideas among the ones that we arranged.
In May I’ll return to Milan and there we’ll calmly continue.
I have an unhealthy kind of idea to make two albums: one with ballads, and another with up-tempos. Delusions of someone who travels too much!
I saw Jovanotti and he played some of his new songs for me. I was so intimidated, so flattered by him considering my opinion and in such a state of embarrassment, that I wasn’t really able to say what I thought and felt, but here I can write it.
In my opinion Lorenzo [Jovanotti’s real name] has two future successes in his hands: one is called Tanto, it’s a fast and really cool piece, and the other Mi fido di te, a slow one that will make him sell many copies, I bet.
I want to work on the sense of guilt due to what happened in that bar, because I don’t think that I should feel guilty for a kiss, even if it wasn’t in secret, and with another man.
How do I exorcise this pain and not ruin everything?
April 17th 2005
And we’re off to San Diego!
One of the positive things of this forced stay is that I’m surrounded by many nice people, I live in a fascinating place and, although I miss home, I know that these experiences will be useful.
And besides, I like to be close to the United States like this, able to discover them little by little.
I wait, I observe, and then I wait again.
It’s confirmed: I’m going on tour and there will be sixteen dates, scattered throughout Latin America.
The interior crisis however is still going on, I’m not able to tear myself away from the image of what happened in New York and I feel overwhelmed with guilt for having given a place in the sun to a secret that has to remain a secret.
But what if I felt guilty because… I liked it???
What if this strong sense of inadequacy was just a consequence of the desire to… do it again?
It hurts to have to relieve myself of all this dust on my own.
But I can’t avoid it, and I’m not one of those who fool themselves, who avoid the obstacles.
Tiziano tackles everything head on, without exceptions.
The truth is that San Diego doesn’t do anything but stimulate those thoughts because, well, yes, as much as it hurts to admit it… I want to do it again.
I get distracted thinking about the American tour, an idea that will really charge me up and it scares me a little, but it’s such an important challenge that this emotional storm is understandable.
On the plane to San Diego… over and out.
April 20th 2005
Back from San Diego to Mexico City. It was only a matter of time and misfortune: it was going to happen.
Sooner or later an Albert from Los Angeles on holiday to San Diego would stir up all of the dust that has remained dormant for years.
I’m not surprised, and the worst thing is that it doesn’t hurt.
It’s as if I were still shocked and anesthetized by what I experienced as an event and, at the same time, a drama.
Now what happens?
I’ve given a name to things? And what has it been up until now? A game of hide and seek? Marco says no.
I HAD to talk to him about it. He says that I’m in a particular moment and that I have to be careful not to ruin everything. I think he’s right, but by now the “furtive” kisses occur more and more often… and not only those.
The issue is way more complicated. It makes space between the neurons of my brain and, even worse, between the folds of my heart.
I will try to maintain a balance until my trip to Italy, then I will understand.
The fact is that now I have other priorities and my life goes too fast to stop myself, even though now I really don’t know what to say or do.
I’ll stay and watch this mess without taking on the responsibility of taking total control of things, like I’m used to doing.
I don’t want to condemn myself to death, now.